Learning Chinese continuation... (part 3)

I was already attending first Year College in the Philippines then, and although I sort of enjoyed the idea of being somewhere new and far away, I was also a bit skeptical. I knew Beijing meant studying in China, which would mean learning to speak Mandarin once again, and I was really sick of it. I also knew going there to get my degree meant, higher standard Chinese, how in the world could I learn Chinese in one year, when I couldn't in the two years I did before that, and get in college or university! And say I couldn't, then I would've wasted another year, when right then I could've just finished my college degree and try to learn Chinese after I graduated. What to do?! My school was actually good, but my life in Manila just wasn't satisfying, I felt I didn't have enough freedom, and aside from going back and forth to school to my house, I felt like I wasn't learning much about life itself. I could finish school alright, but I knew there were more important things school just wasn't going to teach me about. I guess I was beginning to feel dumb.

Oh, the self-doubt! The fear of not knowing if this decision was right! What if I can't learn enough Chinese to get in school?! For some reason I had this idea that failure meant not being able to go back home, I really honestly felt I had nowhere to go back to if I chose to really do this and failed. I really wished someone would take the decision from my hands and just tell me what to do! This way, if anything went wrong, at least I wouldn't completely hate myself, this way I had someone else to blame my failure on. But nobody came to my rescue! My dad just kept giving me a choice. And others just gave me more doubts, and questions like, “do you think you can do it?” in a tone that said they didn't. I just answered with fear and honesty, “I don't know, I've never tried it.” So scared was I and couldn't even show it. When people doubt you, it's natural to become defensive about the subject. So instead of saying, “no, maybe I shouldn't go,” or “I change my mind, I don't think I can do this alone.” I tried to come up with sentence structures where, the other person is able to take the responsibility of deciding for me not to go, because as the day grew closer for me to move, I got bolder in thinking I shouldn't go. But my pride wouldn’t let me admit it. I wanted someone else to say, “don't go!” and me just agreeing. So one last time, I asked my dad, and explained the burden it might be to have me go, I even gave him options to just have me go to the nearby school that would cost less, and would be more convenient for everyone, that is, if he thought me going to Beijing wasn't the best idea. He said, “it's up to you.” :S My brothers said not to go, they were right, I knew that by going, I would increase expectation and pressure on myself in the future. I was “the one” who went to Beijing, my Chinese should be better than everyone else in the family, that kind of mentality might arise in the future, which would destroy the freedom I so longed for! With a heavy heart I chose to go to Beijing anyway.


In Beijing

It’s funny how you worry most about the little things you normally don’t notice when you’re super duper scared. I remember, my number one problem was figuring out how to get my heavy luggage up to my room alone. Seems stupid now, but I was WORRIED, I knew there was no way I could do it alone, and I had no idea how I was going to get someone to help me nor if I could even find anyone to help out. About a day or so before my departure, my dad asks if I wanted him to come with me (of course I did! The luggage! The luggage!). I said no. Oh dad, why must you ask all the time! Why didn’t you just come with me! Apparently we are more alike than it may seem; we’ve got pride the size of mount Olympus.



Beijing Now

Fast forward to the present. I’ve graduated recently from a Chinese university, and my family wants me to go back home but I don’t. Through the years, there were new challenges, and obstacles to be hurdled while living here in Beijing, but then I would find myself sitting alone in a public bus and silently reflect on everything. And everything just feeling so right. I’m glad I was forced by circumstances to make a decision, and I’m glad I didn’t let fear let me choose against coming to Beijing. I’ve met a lot of interesting and wonderful people. People who make you think maybe you came to meet them. Most of all, I got to know myself in ways that surprise even me. I sometimes wonder how my life would be, and what kind of a person I would be now, if I hadn’t chosen to come.

Another thing, learning Chinese in China, especially in Beijing, was a completely different experience for me than learning Chinese in other countries. I guess I’m one of those people who learn more in terms of being in the actual environment with people who constantly and only speak to you in their native language.